Walking with a Limp

Genesis 32:24-31 [ESV]

24 And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. 25 When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. 26 Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” 28 Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, [5] for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” 29 Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. 30 So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel, saying, “For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.” 31 The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip.

Assuming I don't keep changing the title of this blog, this is the scripture I had in mind when I titled it. I kind of think that I'll be using this blog for my own Spirit-Walk.

It's interesting to me that this story starts with: Jacob was left alone. I really don't like to be alone. I don't always want to be around people, but I run from the quiet of being alone. I turn on the TV and let the 24-hour news channel blather on and on, or I turn on the radio and let the political noise do its thing. I let the sound distract me and keep me from being alone.

But God comes to people who are alone. I believe that more than ever now that I've actually spent some time with Him. I think He disdains our distractions, and will not approach a distracted heart. He wants us for Himslef, and He wants to have us alone.

So why don't I do it more? Well, it's not always fun. Sometimes, being in God's presence is like listening to the best music that was every performed while eating the best food that I've ever tasted and smelling flowers from some far away exotic volcano. But other times, it's like going two rounds with Mike Tyson (I say two rounds, even though when God is hard, I rarely go more than one). (Of course, with Mike Tyson, I'm sure I could easily go two. Seconds.)

Because God will touch where it hurts! He makes me look at how ugly I am inside. He shows me all the vanity of my anger. An honest contact with Him shows me just how misplaced my pride really is - he is so much better than me, and he doesn't mind if I discover that. His purity burns my impurity of heart. When God is hard, I find myself splintered to pieces against him.

But even then, I want Him! When I am smart enough to be alone so that I can be with God, and I find Him being firm with me, my first thought is, "Oh NO!" But I don't want to leave right away! I want to grapple with Him and be so bold as to demand my wounded hip! I want my blessing, and when I am faithful enough, I grasp at Him and cry out, "Don't leave without blessing me!"

I want my life to be marked by my encounters with Him. I want to walk with a limp because I have wrestled with Him! I know He won't mark me from a distance - I will have to get close enough to let Him hurt me. But his wounds are kind - I know the hurts I receive from Him are therapeutic and that I cannot really live without them. I want God to so mark my life that my spiritual walk is a limping walk.

I think there are people who want to have a spiritual walk, but don't want the limp. They want to believe everything just right without having to get into the ring with God. They want his blessings, but they don't want him putting their joints out of socket. A spiritual walk like that has no limp. It also has no truth or reality. A sinner without a limp is a sinner. The Pharisees had no limp. Many Christians don't limp either.

I know this because I was like this for most of my life - pleanty of truth, not much prayer; lots of study, not much contemplation; knowing lots about God, but never believing He would actually care if I didn't try to get to know Him. Why would I limp? I knew the truth and was free. I thought that it was the lost sinner, not the sanctified righteous, who walked with limps.

No more. Now I know that sometimes God will hit more personally than the world does, because unlike the world, God expects me to change. God wants to alter me rather than letting the world (and my own foolish heart) kill me. And the alteration will hurt.

So I want my walk to be broken. I want my heart to be broken. I hope He hits me so hard that I never try to stand up on my own ever again. It would be okay with me if I have to lean on Him for every step I take for the rest of my life.

I say that, and as I think about it, it fills me with fear. The kind of fear I feel just before the doctor gives me a shot and I think - oh man, I hope this doesn't hurt too bad!

But better the cure than death. Better to limp.